DATE     "TODAY'S QUOTE" ARCHIVE   Receive daily quotes from Quote of the Day.
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12/31/06   He is winding the watch of his wit; by and by it will strike. -- William Shakespeare.
12/30/06   The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools. -- Herbert Spencer.
12/29/06   It is a common delusion that you make things better by talking about them. -- Dame Rose Macaulay.
12/28/06   Every great advance in natural knowledge has involved the absolute rejection of authority. -- Thomas H. Huxley.
12/27/06   If winning isn't everything, why do they keep score? -- Vince Lombardi.
12/26/06   When I was born the doctor took one look at my face .... turned me over and said. Look ... twins! -- Rodney Dangerfield.
12/25/06   Never go out to meet trouble. If you will just sit still, nine cases out of ten someone will intercept it before it reaches you. -- Calvin Coolidge.
12/24/06   Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. -- Peter De Vries.
12/23/06   He who hesitates is a damned fool. -- Mae West.
12/22/06   I often quote myself. It adds spice to my conversation. -- George Bernard Shaw.
12/21/06   The whole dream of democracy is to raise the proletarian to the level of stupidity attained by the bourgeois. -- Gustave Flaubert.
12/20/06   It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not to deserve them. -- Mark Twain.
12/19/06   I phoned my dad to tell him I had stopped smoking. He called me a quitter. -- Steven Pearl.
12/18/06   My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle. -- Henny Youngman.
12/17/06   O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet. -- Saint Augustine.
12/16/06   If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets. -- Mel Brooks.
12/15/06   Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an art. -- Charles McCabe.
12/14/06   If a man will begin with certainties, he shall end in doubts; but if he will be content to begin with doubts he shall end in certainties. -- Sir Francis Bacon.
12/13/06   Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn't block traffic. -- Dan Rather.
12/12/06   I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be. -- Douglas Adams.
12/11/06   The only reason for being a professional writer is that you can't help it. -- Leo Rosten.
12/10/06   A healthy male adult bore consumes each year one and a half times his own weight in other people's patience. -- John Updike.
12/09/06   Everybody hates me because I'm so universally liked. -- Peter de Vries.
12/08/06   He who can, does. He who cannot, teaches. -- George Bernard Shaw.
12/07/06   No degree of dullness can safeguard a work against the determination of critics to find it fascinating. -- Harold Rosenberg.
12/06/06   Books have the same enemies as people: fire, humidity, animals, weather, and their own content. -- Paul Valery.
12/05/06   I think computer viruses should count as life. I think it says something about human nature that the only form of life we have created so far is purely destructive. We've created life in our own image. -- Stephen Hawking.
12/04/06   Her virtue was that she said what she thought, her vice that what she thought didn't amount to much. -- Peter Ustinov.
12/03/06   I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves. -- Ludwig Wittgenstein.
12/02/06   Accomplishing the impossible means only that the boss will add it to your regular duties. -- Doug Larson.
12/01/06   I am at two with nature. -- Woody Allen.
11/30/06   There is nothing so absurd but some philosopher has said it. -- Cicero.
11/29/06   Because things are the way they are, things will not stay the way they are. -- Bertolt Brecht.
11/28/06   You can only be young once. But you can always be immature. -- Dave Barry.
11/27/06   Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance? -- Edgar Bergen.
11/26/06   No man needs a vacation so much as the man who has just had one. -- Elbert Hubbard.
11/25/06   Laughter is the closest distance between two people. -- Victor Borge.
11/24/06   Integrity without knowledge is weak and useless, and knowledge without integrity is dangerous and dreadful. -- Samuel Johnson.
11/23/06   The men the American public admire most extravagantly are the most daring liars; the men they detest most violently are those who try to tell them the truth. -- H. L. Mencken.
11/22/06   Architecture is the art of how to waste space. -- Philip Johnson.
11/21/06   Ability will never catch up with the demand for it. -- Malcolm Forbes.
11/20/06   Of course the game is rigged. Don't let that stop you--if you don't play, you can't win. -- Robert Heinlein.
11/19/06   I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays. -- Henny Youngman.
11/18/06   I just need enough to tide me over until I need more. -- Bill Hoest.
11/17/06   Every increased possession loads us with new weariness. -- John Ruskin.
11/16/06   One machine can do the work of fifty ordinary men. No machine can do the work of one extraordinary man. -- Elbert Hubbard.
11/15/06   Here's a rule I recommend: Never practice two vices at once. -- Tallulah Bankhead.
11/14/06   I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland. -- Woody Allen.
11/13/06   How much easier it is to be critical than to be correct. -- Benjamin Disraeli.
11/12/06   A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down. -- Robert Benchley.
11/11/06   It was such a lovely day I thought it a pity to get up. -- W. Somerset Maugham.
11/10/06   I'm thirty years old, but I read at the thirty-four-year-old level. -- Dana Carvey.
11/09/06   There is nothing worse than aggressive stupidity. -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe.
11/08/06   Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. -- George Burns.
11/07/06   I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either. -- Jack Benny.
11/06/06   Nothing is impossible. Some things are just less likely than others. -- Jonathan Winters.
11/05/06   There are only two kinds of people who are really fascinating: people who know absolutely everything, and people who know absolutely nothing. -- Oscar Wilde.
11/04/06   All phone calls are obscene. -- Karen Elizabeth Gordon.
11/03/06   Rogues are preferable to imbeciles because they sometimes take a rest. -- Alexandre Dumas.
11/02/06   He hoped and prayed that there wasn't an afterlife. Then he realized there was a contradiction involved here and merely hoped that there wasn't an afterlife. -- Douglas Adams.
11/01/06   Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness. -- Woody Allen.
10/31/06   Conceit is God's gift to little men. -- Bruce Barton.
10/30/06   All is in the hands of man. Therefore wash them often. -- Stanislaw J. Lec.
10/29/06   Liberty means responsibility. That is why most men dread it. -- George Bernard Shaw.
10/28/06   A person is never happy except at the price of some ignorance. -- Anatole France.
10/27/06   When two men in business always agree, one of them is unnecessary. -- William Wrigley Jr.
10/26/06   Setting a good example for children takes all the fun out of middle age. -- William Feather.
10/25/06   The bird of paradise alights only upon the hand that does not grasp. -- John Berry.
10/24/06   A timid person is frightened before a danger, a coward during the time, and a courageous person afterward. -- Jean Paul Richter.
10/23/06   The least of learning is done in the classrooms. -- Thomas Merton.
10/22/06   Not to be absolutely certain is, I think, one of the essential things in rationality. -- Bertrand Russell.
10/21/06   Some people are born on third base and go through life thinking they hit a triple. -- Barry Switzer.
10/20/06   My favorite thing about the Internet is that you get to go into the private world of real creeps without having to smell them. -- Penn Jillette.
10/19/06   The point of living and of being an optimist, is to be foolish enough to believe the best is yet to come. -- Peter Ustinov.
10/18/06   Now and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature. -- Kin Hubbard.
10/17/06   They always talk who never think. -- Matthew Prior.
10/16/06   My pessimism extends to the point of even suspecting the sincerity of the pessimists. -- Jean Rostand.
10/15/06   No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation. -- Fran Lebowitz.
10/14/06   I not only use all the brains that I have, but all that I can borrow. -- Woodrow Wilson.
10/13/06   His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork. -- Mae West.
10/12/06   Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man. -- Bertrand Russell.
10/11/06   I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something. -- Mitch Hedberg.
10/10/06   Study without desire spoils the memory, and it retains nothing that it takes in. -- Leonardo da Vinci.
10/09/06   No wise man ever wished to be younger. -- Jonathan Swift.
10/08/06   The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible. -- George Burns.
10/07/06   Oil prices have fallen lately. We include this news for the benefit of gas stations, which otherwise wouldn't learn of it for six months. -- Bill Tammeus.
10/06/06   Nothing is really work unless you would rather be doing something else. -- James M. Barrie.
10/05/06   The problem with political jokes is they get elected. -- Henry Cate VII.
10/04/06   First love is a kind of vaccination which saves a man from catching the complaint a second time. -- Honore de Balzac.
10/03/06   Education is a state-controlled manufactory of echoes. -- Norman Douglas.
10/02/06   Where facts are few, experts are many. -- Donald R. Gannon.
10/01/06   What we think, or what we know, or what we believe is, in the end, of little consequence. The only consequence is what we do. -- John Ruskin.
09/30/06   Never eat more than you can lift. -- Miss Piggy.
09/29/06   Virtue is its own punishment. -- Aneurin Bevan.
09/28/06   A large income is the best recipe for happiness I ever heard of. -- Jane Austen.
09/27/06   In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite. -- Paul Dirac.
09/26/06   The man of knowledge must be able not only to love his enemies but also to hate his friends. -- Friedrich Nietzsche.
09/25/06   People with courage and character always seem sinister to the rest. -- Hermann Hesse.
09/24/06   Most people are bothered by those passages of Scripture they do not understand, but the passages that bother me are those I do understand. -- Mark Twain.
09/23/06   They are ill discoverers that think there is no land, when they can see nothing but sea. -- Sir Francis Bacon.
09/22/06   The really frightening thing about middle age is that you know you'll grow out of it. -- Doris Day.
09/21/06   There is no fate that cannot be surmounted by scorn. -- Albert Camus.
09/20/06   They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety. -- Benjamin Franklin.
09/19/06   Everyone wants to be Cary Grant. Even I want to be Cary Grant. -- Cary Grant.
09/18/06   You've achieved success in your field when you don't know whether what you're doing is work or play. -- Warren Beatty.
09/17/06   Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. -- Woody Allen.
09/16/06   My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was. -- Rodney Dangerfield.
09/15/06   What is a cynic? A man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing. -- Oscar Wilde.
09/14/06   People everywhere confuse what they read in newspapers with news. -- A. J. Liebling.
09/13/06   We should be taught not to wait for inspiration to start a thing. Action always generates inspiration. Inspiration seldom generates action. -- Frank Tibolt.
09/12/06   Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd. -- Voltaire.
09/11/06   All things are difficult before they are easy. -- Dr. Thomas Fuller.
09/10/06   Hindsight is always twenty-twenty. -- Billy Wilder.
09/09/06   Give a man a fire and keep him warm for a day. Light a man on fire and he will be warm for rest of his life. -- Terry Pratchett.
09/08/06   Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored. -- Aldous Huxley.
09/06/06   Of all noises, I think music is the least disagreeable. -- Samuel Johnson.
09/05/06   Politics is the skilled use of blunt objects. -- Lester B. Pearson.
09/04/06   The most wasted of all days is one without laughter. -- e e cummings.
09/03/06   A bore is a man who deprives you of solitude without providing you with company. -- Gian Vincenzo Gravina.
09/02/06   Bore, n.: A person who talks when you wish him to listen. -- Ambrose Bierce.
09/01/06   Never tell anyone that you're: writing a book, going on a diet, exercising, taking a course, or quitting smoking. They'll encourage you to death. -- Lynn Johnston.
08/31/06   If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer? -- Steven Wright.
08/30/06   Skepticism, like chastity, should not be relinquished too readily. -- George Santayana.
08/29/06   Morality, like art, means drawing a line someplace. -- Oscar Wilde.
08/28/06   In these matters the only certainty is that nothing is certain. -- Pliny the Elder.
08/27/06   There are three rules for writing the novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are. -- W. Somerset Maugham.
08/26/06   It is a common delusion that you make things better by talking about them. -- Dame Rose Macaulay.
08/25/06   The quickest way of ending a war is to lose it. -- George Orwell.
08/24/06   Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. -- Dr. Seuss.
08/23/06   As I know more of mankind I expect less of them, and am ready now to call a man a good man upon easier terms than I was formerly. -- Samuel Johnson.
08/22/06   The cure for writer's cramp is writer's block. -- Inigo DeLeon.
08/21/06   Money can't buy happiness, but neither can poverty. -- Leo Rosten.
08/20/06   He's turned his life around. He used to be depressed and miserable. Now he's miserable and depressed. -- David Frost.
08/19/06   My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it. -- Mark Twain.
08/18/06   Paradise is exactly like where you are right now... only much, much better. -- Laurie Anderson.
08/17/06   For most of history, Anonymous was a woman. -- Virginia Woolf.
08/16/06   A newspaper consists of just the same number of words, whether there be any news in it or not. -- Henry Fielding.
08/15/06   Cynicism is an unpleasant way of saying the truth. -- Lillian Hellman.
08/14/06   To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk. -- Thomas A. Edison.
08/13/06   Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than each other. -- Ann Landers.
08/12/06   Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad. -- Norm Papernick.
08/11/06   On my income tax 1040 it says 'Check this box if you are blind.' I wanted to put a check mark about three inches away. -- Tom Lehrer.
08/10/06   Rudeness is the weak man's imitation of strength. -- Eric Hoffer.
08/09/06   The best way to predict the future is to invent it. -- Alan Kay.
08/08/06   In a time of universal deceit, telling the truth is a revolutionary act. -- George Orwell.
08/07/06   Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children. -- George Bernard Shaw.
08/06/06   In heaven all the interesting people are missing. -- Friedrich Nietzsche.
08/05/06   The gods too are fond of a joke. -- Aristotle.
08/04/06   Man is the Only Animal that Blushes. Or needs to. -- Mark Twain.
08/03/06   We are here on Earth to do good to others. What the others are here for, I don't know. -- W. H. Auden.
08/02/06   Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke. -- Lynda Barry.
08/01/06   We are born charming, fresh and spontaneous and must be civilized before we are fit to participate in society. -- Judith Martin (Miss Manners).
07/31/06   Where all think alike, no one thinks very much. -- Walter Lippmann.
07/30/06   Hell, there are no rules here-- we're trying to accomplish something. -- Thomas A. Edison.
07/29/06   It was on my fifth birthday that Papa put his hand on my shoulder and said, 'Remember, my son, if you ever need a helping hand, you'll find one at the end of your arm.' -- Sam Levenson.
07/28/06   It is a good rule in life never to apologize. The right sort of people do not want apologies, and the wrong sort take a mean advantage of them. -- P. G. Wodehouse.
07/27/06   Many would be cowards if they had courage enough. -- Thomas Fuller.
07/26/06   Rock journalism is people who can't write interviewing people who can't talk for people who can't read. -- Frank Zappa.
07/25/06   A fellow who is always declaring he's no fool usually has his suspicions. -- Wilson Mizner.
07/24/06   If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater, suggest that he wear a tail. -- Fran Lebowitz.
07/23/06   All human beings should try to learn before they die what they are running from, and to, and why. -- James Thurber.
07/22/06   Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom. -- Soren Kierkegaard.
07/21/06   The aging process has you firmly in its grasp if you never get the urge to throw a snowball. -- Doug Larson.
07/20/06   The sad truth is that excellence makes people nervous. -- Shana Alexander.
07/19/06   My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disturbed teachers. -- Woody Allen.
07/18/06   Talent hits a target no one else can hit; Genius hits a target no one else can see. -- Arthur Schopenhauer.
07/17/06   But in this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes. -- Benjamin Franklin.
07/16/06   Gratitude is merely the secret hope of further favors. -- Francois de La Rochefoucauld.
07/15/06   Rage is the only quality which has kept me, or anybody I have ever studied, writing columns for newspapers. -- Jimmy Breslin.
07/14/06   In the end, everything is a gag. -- Charlie Chaplin.
07/13/06   Music is essentially useless, as life is. -- George Santayana.
07/12/06   If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets. -- Mel Brooks.
07/11/06   Education's purpose is to replace an empty mind with an open one. -- Malcolm Forbes.
07/10/06   People want economy and they will pay any price to get it. -- Lee Iacocca.
07/09/06   What's another word for Thesaurus? -- Steven Wright.
07/08/06   A perpetual holiday is a good working definition of hell. -- George Bernard Shaw.
07/07/06   No man remains quite what he was when he recognizes himself. -- Thomas Mann.
07/06/06   There is nobody so irritating as somebody with less intelligence and more sense than we have. -- Don Herold.
07/05/06   Almost all absurdity of conduct arises from the imitation of those whom we cannot resemble. -- Samuel Johnson.
07/04/06   Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction listen to weather forecasts and economists? -- Kelvin Throop III.
07/03/06   You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a firefly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart. -- Fred Allen.
07/02/06   There is scarcely anything in the world that some man cannot make a little worse, and sell a little more cheaply. The person who buys on price alone is this man's lawful prey. -- John Ruskin.
07/01/06   About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends. -- Herbert Hoover.
06/30/06   The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder. -- Alfred Hitchcock.
06/29/06   If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything. -- Mark Twain.
06/28/06   One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to do and always a clever thing to say. -- Will Durant.
06/27/06   Anarchism is founded on the observation that since few men are wise enough to rule themselves, even fewer are wise enough to rule others. -- Edward Abbey.
06/26/06   I would rather be exposed to the inconveniences attending too much liberty than to those attending too small a degree of it. -- Thomas Jefferson.
06/25/06   I took a speed reading course and read 'War and Peace' in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. -- Woody Allen.
06/24/06   To punish me for my contempt for authority, fate made me an authority myself. -- Albert Einstein.
06/23/06   It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth. -- George Burns.
06/22/06   If God had wanted us to vote, He would have given us candidates. -- Jay Leno.
06/21/06   I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks. -- Totie Fields.
06/20/06   Say what you will about the Ten Commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them. -- H. L. Mencken.
06/19/06   The report of my death was an exaggeration. -- Mark Twain.
06/18/06   The nice thing about being a celebrity is that when you bore people, they think it's their fault. -- Henry Kissinger.
06/17/06   The trouble with facts is that there are so many of them. -- Samuel McChord Crothers.
06/16/06   Assuming either the Left Wing or the Right Wing gained control of the country, it would probably fly around in circles. -- Pat Paulsen.
06/15/06   I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. -- Henny Youngman.
06/14/06   There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. -- Steven Wright.
06/13/06   I don't even butter my bread. I consider that cooking. -- Katherine Cebrian.
06/12/06   The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources. -- Albert Einstein.
06/11/06   We do not know what we want and yet we are responsible for what we are - that is the fact. -- Jean-Paul Sartre.
06/10/06   No human thing is of serious importance. -- Plato.
06/09/06   The intelligent man finds almost everything ridiculous, the sensible man hardly anything. -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe.
06/08/06   Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock. -- Will Rogers.
06/07/06   All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact, barely presentable. -- Fran Lebowitz.
06/06/06   We seem to believe it is possible to ward off death by following rules of good grooming. -- Don Delillo.
06/05/06   A myth is a religion in which no one any longer believes. -- James Feibleman.
06/04/06   Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake. -- Napoleon Bonaparte.
06/03/06   One of the serious obstacles to the improvement of our race is indiscriminate charity. -- Andrew Carnegie.
06/02/06   A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it. -- Bob Hope.
06/01/06   Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example. -- Francois de La Rochefoucauld.
05/31/06   The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible. -- George Burns.
05/30/06   Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. -- Phyllis Diller.
05/29/06   If men were angels, no government would be necessary. -- James Madison.
05/28/06   Nobody outside of a baby carriage or a judge's chamber believes in an unprejudiced point of view. -- Lillian Hellman.
05/27/06   It is difficult to get a man to understand something when his job depends on not understanding it. -- Upton Sinclair.
05/26/06   Nothing so fortifies a friendship as a belief on the part of one friend that he is superior to the other. -- Honore de Balzac.
05/25/06   The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass. -- Martin Mull.
05/24/06   You can only be young once. But you can always be immature. -- Dave Barry.
05/23/06   This is like deja vu all over again. -- Yogi Berra.
05/22/06   There is only one thing a philosopher can be relied upon to do, and that is to contradict other philosophers. -- William James.
05/21/06   For a list of all the ways technology has failed to improve the quality of life, please press three. -- Alice Kahn.
05/20/06   It is the nature of all greatness not to be exact. -- Edmund Burke.
05/19/06   None are so busy as the fool and knave. -- John Dryden, 1682.
05/18/06   One of the advantages of being disorderly is that one is constantly making exciting discoveries. -- A. A. Milne.
05/17/06   Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others. -- Groucho Marx.
05/16/06   If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error. -- John Kenneth Galbraith.
05/15/06   The marvel of all history is the patience with which men and women submit to burdens unnecessarily laid upon them by their governments. -- William H. Borah.
05/14/06   By a curious confusion, many modern critics have passed from the proposition that a masterpiece may be unpopular to the other proposition that unless it is unpopular it cannot be a masterpiece. -- G. K. Chesterton.
05/13/06   Skiing consists of wearing $3,000 worth of clothes and equipment and driving 200 miles in the snow in order to stand around at a bar and drink. -- P. J. O'Rourke.
05/12/06   You cannot slander human nature; it is worse than words can paint it. -- Charles Haddon Spurgeon.
05/11/06   I am always doing that which I can not do, in order that I may learn how to do it. -- Pablo Picasso.
05/10/06   All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident. -- Arthur Schopenhauer.
05/09/06   Life is a foreign language; all men mispronounce it. -- Christopher Morley.
05/08/06   A poem is no place for an idea. -- Edgar Watson Howe.
05/07/08   Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone? -- James Thurber.
05/06/06   Seeing a murder on television... can help work off one's antagonisms. And if you haven't any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some. -- Alfred Hitchcock.
05/05/06   Progress isn't made by early risers. It's made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something. -- Robert Heinlein.
05/04/06   It is impossible to defeat an ignorant man in argument. -- William G. McAdoo.
05/03/06   If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age. -- George Burns.
05/02/06   He can compress the most words into the smallest ideas of any man I ever met. -- Abraham Lincoln.
05/01/06   On the whole human beings want to be good, but not too good, and not quite all the time. -- George Orwell.
04/30/06   Any fool can tell the truth, but it requires a man of some sense to know how to lie well. -- Samuel Butler.
04/29/06   By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right, he usually has a son who thinks he's wrong. -- Charles Wadsworth.
04/28/06   Everything in the world may be endured except continued prosperity. -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe.
04/27/06   Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual. -- Terry Pratchett.
04/26/06   In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress. -- John Adams.
04/25/06   A cult is a religion with no political power. -- Tom Wolfe.
04/24/06   Weather forcast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning. -- George Carlin.
04/23/06   Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps. -- Emo Phillips.
04/22/06   No one can have a higher opinion of him than I have, and I think he's a dirty little beast. -- W. S. Gilbert.
04/21/06   A satirist is a man who discovers unpleasant things about himself and then says them about other people. -- Peter McArthur.
04/20/06   Don't try to solve serious matters in the middle of the night. -- Philip K. Dick.
04/19/06   Those who speak most of progress measure it by quantity and not by quality. -- George Santayana.
04/18/06   How much easier it is to be critical than to be correct. -- Benjamin Disraeli.
04/17/05   So much of what we call management consists in making it difficult for people to work. -- Peter Drucker.
04/16/06   Any man who afflicts the human race with ideas must be prepared to see them misunderstood. -- H. L. Mencken.
04/15/06   The most merciful thing in the world, I think, is the inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents. -- H. P. Lovecraft.
04/14/06   The trouble with weather forecasting is that it's right too often for us to ignore it and wrong too often for us to rely on it. -- Patrick Young.
04/13/06   I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine. -- Rita Rudner.
04/12/06   Among those whom I like or admire, I can find no common denominator, but among those whom I love, I can: all of them make me laugh. -- W. H. Auden.
04/11/06   The basis of optimism is sheer terror. -- Oscar Wilde.
04/10/06   Our constitution protects aliens, drunks and U.S. Senators. -- Will Rogers.
04/09/06   Life is a long lesson in humility. -- James M. Barrie.
04/08/06   Life isn't fair. It's just fairer than death, that's all. -- William Goldman.
04/07/06   When a thing ceases to be a subject of controversy, it ceases to be a subject of interest. -- William Hazlitt.
04/06/06   Your theory is crazy, but it's not crazy enough to be true. -- Niels Bohr.
04/05/06   Try to learn something about everything and everything about something. -- Thomas H. Huxley.
04/04/06   If fifty million people say a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing. -- Anatole France.
04/03/06   It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not to deserve them. -- Mark Twain.
04/02/06   Until you've lost your reputation, you never realize what a burden it was. -- Margaret Mitchell.
04/01/06   Illusion is the first of all pleasures. -- Oscar Wilde.
03/31/06   Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing ever happened. -- Sir Winston Churchill.
03/30/06   Idleness is not doing nothing. Idleness is being free to do anything. -- Floyd Dell.
03/29/06   The man who lets himself be bored is even more contemptible than the bore. -- Samuel Butler.
03/28/06   Nobody got anywhere in the world by simply being content. -- Louis L'Amour.
03/27/06   Times have not become more violent. They have just become more televised. -- Marilyn Manson.
03/26/06   I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use. -- Galileo Galilei.
03/25/06   I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them. -- Isaac Asimov.
03/24/06   There is a coherent plan in the universe, though I don't know what it's a plan for. -- Fred Hoyle.
03/23/06   Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd. -- Voltaire.
03/22/06   One can always be kind to people about whom one cares nothing. -- Oscar Wilde.
03/21/06   When everyone is against you, it means that you are absolutely wrong - or absolutely right. -- Albert Guinon.
03/20/06   History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives. -- Abba Eban.
03/19/06   Though I am not naturally honest, I am so sometimes by chance. -- William Shakespeare.
03/18/06   Truly great madness cannot be achieved without significant intelligence. -- Henrik Tikkanen.
03/17/06   At the age of eleven or thereabouts women acquire a poise and an ability to handle difficult situations which a man, if he is lucky, manages to achieve somewhere in the later seventies. -- P. G. Wodehouse.
03/16/06   I believe that a scientist looking at nonscientific problems is just as dumb as the next guy. -- Richard Feynman.
03/15/06   Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so. -- Douglas Adams.
03/14/06   When you come to a fork in the road, take it. -- Yogi Berra.
03/13/06   I am not one of those who in expressing opinions confine themselves to facts. -- Mark Twain.
03/12/06   The multitude of books is making us ignorant. -- Voltaire.
03/11/06   There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you. -- Will Rogers.
03/10/06   Nothing is more conducive to peace of mind than not having any opinions at all. -- Georg Christoph Lichtenberg.
03/09/06   I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out. -- Rodney Dangerfield.
03/08/06   The world only goes round by misunderstanding. -- Charles Baudelaire.
03/07/06   A strong conviction that something must be done is the parent of many bad measures. -- Daniel Webster.
03/06/06   All phone calls are obscene. -- Karen Elizabeth Gordon.
03/05/06   The whole secret of life is to be interested in one thing profoundly and in a thousand things well. -- Horace Walpole.
03/04/06   Bureaucrats write memoranda both because they appear to be busy when they are writing and because the memos, once written, immediately become proof that they were busy. -- Charles Peters.
03/03/06   Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind- bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the road to the chemist's, but that's just peanuts to space. -- Douglas Adams.
03/02/06   My own business always bores me to death; I prefer other people's. -- Oscar Wilde.
03/01/06   There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I'll get married again. -- Clint Eastwood.
02/28/06   The really frightening thing about middle age is that you know you'll grow out of it. -- Doris Day.
02/27/06   Art is making something out of nothing and selling it. -- Frank Zappa.
02/26/06   Brass bands are all very well in their place - outdoors and several miles away. -- Sir Thomas Beecham.
02/25/06   An idealist is a person who helps other people to be prosperous. -- Henry Ford.
02/24/06   Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. -- Mark Twain.
02/23/06   Integrity without knowledge is weak and useless, and knowledge without integrity is dangerous and dreadful. -- Samuel Johnson.
02/22/06   Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be. -- Rita Rudner.
02/21/06   There is nothing so absurd but some philosopher has said it. -- Cicero.
02/20/06   Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. -- Billy Crystal.
02/19/06   When the politicians complain that TV turns the proceedings into a circus, it should be made clear that the circus was already there, and that TV has merely demonstrated that not all the performers are well trained. -- Edward R. Murrow.
02/18/06   It is a mistake to think you can solve any major problems just with potatoes. -- Douglas Adams.
02/17/06   I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks. -- Steve Martin.
02/16/06   Most people ignore most poetry because most poetry ignores most people. -- Adrian Mitchell.
02/15/06   What's another word for Thesaurus? -- Steven Wright.
02/14/06   Maybe this world is another planet's hell. -- Aldous Huxley.
02/13/06   If a cluttered desk is the sign of a cluttered mind, what is the significance of a clean desk? -- Laurence J. Peter.
02/12/06   If you haven't found something strange during the day, it hasn't been much of a day. -- John A. Wheeler.
02/11/06   I was always taught to respect my elders and I've now reached the age when I don't have anybody to respect. -- George Burns.
02/10/06   A man thinks that by mouthing hard words he understands hard things. -- Herman Melville.
02/09/06   The time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time. -- Bertrand Russell.
02/08/06   Life is a zoo in a jungle. -- Peter De Vries.
02/07/06   I shall never be ashamed of citing a bad author if the line is good. -- Seneca.
02/06/06   My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. -- Rodney Dangerfield.
02/05/06   Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else's can shorten it. -- Cullen Hightower.
02/04/06   There is no doubt that the first requirement for a composer is to be dead. -- Arthur Honegger.
02/03/06   The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side. -- Hunter S. Thompson.
02/02/06   Most people would rather be certain they're miserable than risk being happy. -- Robert Anthony.
02/01/06   Never judge a book by its movie. -- J. W. Eagan.
01/31/06   I say that a man must be certain of his morality for the simple reason that he has to suffer for it. -- G. K. Chesterton.
01/30/06   I had an epiphany a few years ago where I was out at a celebrity party and it suddenly dawned on me that I had yet to meet a celebrity who is as smart and interesting as any of my friends. -- Moby.
01/29/06   With stupidity the gods themselves contend in vain. -- Friedrich von Schiller.
01/28/06   You know you’ve achieved perfection in design, not when you have nothing more to add, but when you have nothing more to take away. -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery.
01/27/06   Martyrdom... is the only way in which a man can become famous without ability. -- George Bernard Shaw.
01/26/06   Remember that as a teenager you are at the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you. -- Fran Lebowitz.
01/25/06   Management is doing things right; leadership is doing the right things. -- Peter Drucker.
01/24/06   Classical music is the kind we keep thinking will turn into a tune. -- Kin Hubbard.
01/23/06   Historically, the claim of consensus has been the first refuge of scoundrels; it is a way to avoid debate by claiming that the matter is already settled. -- Michael Crichton.
01/22/06   Patience has its limits. Take it too far, and it's cowardice. -- George Jackson.
01/21/06   Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self. -- Cyril Connolly.
01/20/06   Being in politics is like being a football coach. You have to be smart enough to understand the game, and dumb enough to think it's important. -- Eugene McCarthy.
01/19/06   If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt. -- Dean Martin.
01/18/06   In Paris they simply stared when I spoke to them in French; I never did succeed in making those idiots understand their language. -- Mark Twain.
01/17/06   The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think. -- Horace Walpole.
01/16/06   As for me, except for an occasional heart attack, I feel as young as I ever did. -- Robert Benchley.
01/15/06   Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children. -- George Bernard Shaw.
01/14/06   An inventor is simply a fellow who doesn't take his education too seriously. -- Charles F. Kettering.
01/13/06   No one really listens to anyone else, and if you try it for a while you'll see why. -- Mignon McLaughlin.
01/12/06   I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. -- Groucho Marx.
01/11/06   The follies which a man regrets most, in his life, are those which he didn't commit when he had the opportunity. -- Helen Rowland.
01/10/06   Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power. -- Abraham Lincoln.
01/09/06   'Whom are you?' he asked, for he had attended business college. -- George Ade.
01/08/06   The only way to entertain some folks is to listen to them. -- Kin Hubbard.
01/07/06   I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody. -- Bill Cosby.
01/06/06   You have to know how to accept rejection and reject acceptance. -- Ray Bradbury.
01/05/06   The only time to buy these is on a day with no 'y' in it. -- Warren Buffett.
01/04/06   My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head. -- Rita Rudner.
01/03/06   Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. -- Steven Wright.
01/02/06   Education is a state-controlled manufactory of echoes. -- Norman Douglas.
01/01/06   Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual. -- Mark Twain.


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